Sunday, April 7, 2013

Pyrrhic Victory

Consumed with anguish and dread, I suggested to her that we break up. (I shouldn’t have called it a break-up. We were still standing on the fringes of an actual relationship, not quite in one yet. But attraction had been confirmed and I like to think it was mutual.)

Her reply to my break-up suggestion was an anticlimax. “Pouwa xana!” (translates approximately to “Awexome!”)

Now I’ll be the first one to wonder how I fell for a xufferer of xpelling xyndrome. I pay rigorous attention to the details of spelling and grammar, even when I text people who can’t be bothered to punctuate and who resort to texting fads which I consider juvenile and worthy of a haughty look. But once you fall for someone their quirks are left to slip as fond messages come and go.

Why did I fall for her? She’s beautiful, with a likeable personality – a nice person, her temperament is my ideal blend of assertive yet serene, her cheekbones are high, her smile is sumptuous to behold. It was still opening stages, the famous “honeymoon;” the venture glimmered with the promise of much fun. And I was resolved to live with as many misplaced x’s as possible.

But the problem was me, not her. My intentions were less than honest. Fortunately, the plain truth cornered me: I couldn’t marry her and didn’t want to, so what did I want her for? I decided to break it off before we got there. I was living in doubt with a foul conscience, not living by faith with a clear conscience. The difference is like hatred and love. That was the problem.

Besides, my instincts were telling me things that our ignominious break-up (above) only confirmed - she wasn’t thaaat into me. And I listen to my instincts with ears pricked upright. Some call it paranoia. But I say doubt must not be entertained just because one fears the truth that one suspects. Better to come to terms with truth than to conjure wishful smoke and mirrors in one’s own mind.

The break up went through successfully; consequently I have earned a loneliness waged on my own instigation, hence the title “Pyrrhic victory”. Right now my life appears to be the embodiment of every man’s nightmare: no job and no meet help. It becomes awkward when I see my old friends, classmates and age mates posting wedding pictures on Facebook. But I’m not complaining. I’m happy for them; GOD has blessed them. I’m living in faith that one day I too will find a good woman, who, because she’s good, will take care to be well found.

2 comments:

  1. Haaaa! Bro, love is a tough game to play. It outwits even the know-it-alls. So, it is normal - what you did... of course with reasons upheld.

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