Singling the blues away

“To fall in love is to fall indeed!” I have already come across plenty of practical preliminary evidence to support this position. However, youthful ideals have a way of sustaining dangerous inclinations towards love, even after we have read the witty proverbs which underline our experiences. This is why you will read this and write it off as a bit of foolishness on the part of a disgruntled probably-recently-dumped dude. Your funeral.

Courtship as we know it is a bummer. The thrill of the hunt is in the chase. Thus, as soon as the prey is cornered and savored there better be another hunt or else, no more thrill. Ask any veteran bachelor. With courtship, they will tell you, ultimately the effort is the only real reward. A bird once in hand loses the all-important luster it had while it was singing unclaimed in the bush. Such is human psychology. But there’s got to be another way. Escape the hunt-catch-hunt cycle; be single.

Do I mean you readers should leave your painstakingly acquired mates? Wrong question! Am I advocating for the end of family values? No, actually the government should intervene to preserve marriages and families and all that. Which foreign embassy has poured money at me to subvert national cohesion? Depends on how you define embassy! Kidding! I am just suggesting that if we were all single there would never be a Mpango Wa Kando - at least technically speaking. Promote world peace. Entrench global stability. Go single.

And what of loneliness? I say join a social networking website already. Follow self-absorbed celebrities on Twitter. Accumulate stalkers on Facebook, and stoke their interest with periodic photo uploads, while indiscriminately revealing all your pertinent bio data. You see, real romantic relationships are too serious to go about having them. Too much relationships takes a toll on your life! Relationships which intend to engage the services of true love are so serious that participants must fully intend to go all the way before they even start. Anything less, and my pastor calls out selfishness, fraud and theft. Avoid relationships that implicate you among evildoers. Go single.

The scourge of passion shall ever be with us, and unfortunately so. That is why the failsafe prescriptions spelt out here are doomed to fall on deaf ears. Yet do I persist.

Listen! Feelings have a way of hiding, sneaking up on our cool rational minds from behind and clobbering them unconscious, so as to institute a liberal regime. The junta of mutinous Feelings then proceeds to misgovern all the Faculties while popping champagne, to devastating effect – a big self-congratulatory flood of hormones swamps the victim’s itineraries with bureaucratic romantic dates. Such dire circumstances force the heart to take up the job of thinking, lest all reason be lost to the insidiousness of adrenalin-laced testosterone/estrogen. Thus, errors in the pumping of blood tend to occur in the environment of love. Erratic palpitations coincide with the instant of love at first sight. The heart is so one-minded that it cannot multitask thinking thoughts and pumping blood without churning out poor results in both processes. (Just like a man can't multitask.) If this has never occurred to you, then you must have long acclimatized to soap operas.

Certain researchers I am too busy to fabricate right now discovered that being in love is addictive. Do you want to be considered an addict? They scientifically proved that any given individual is more prone to succumb to spontaneous death when their romantic relationship ends – same way a crack addict mercifully dies eventually - but only after a pathetic manifestation of various withdrawal symptoms, including tears, shivering, wailing, moodiness and incoherence. You don’t want to go there. Go single.

Going single is the hardest and most unnatural undertaking you will ever attempt. Still, try it. Your heart is for pumping blood – so it better stay focused. Bear this in mind and keep a keen eye on those feelings. Rule them with an iron fist. Herein lies safety and national security.