Thursday, May 19, 2016

Travails in Online Dating

Talk about late adopters. The dictionary entry should include my mugshot as an illustration. After getting bored of the twenty-first century princesses I am surrounded by every day, I decided to go online. After all, a growing demographic has a better online persona than the real them, right? What’s the worst that could happen? I read some reviews and heard all the horror stories and I felt ready for some stalkers for a change. Off I went to Google Play to download a dating app. 

Less than five minutes later I’m swiping photos in all compass directions.

what I expected

They say, about online dating, that if you are searching for love online there must be something wrong with you for failing to find love in your everyday real life circles. Once I overcame the implied slur in that reasoning and got down to swiping, the full impact of this stereotype came to light. Everyone logs on to the site thinking, “Me? I’m perfectly okay, I’m on here because I’m hip, fun, adventurous and open-minded, but the rest of y’all out here are some basic no-life losers who can’t get laid.” An attention-whore’s winning mentality. So they upload their best photos and wait for us to like them and match them and message them, but the mere fact that I am ONLINE DATING on a HOOKUP APP translates: I am a desperate no-life pervert. Therefore in her head she’s already too good for me anyway, match notwithstanding.

the sad reality

With time I have taken up a side hobby between swipes: massive trolling on the site.
 Or perhaps I should just go with the flow and upload pretentious photos?
If you chance upon my handsome mug, swipe right, you ugly hermit.
Till then I’ll keep y’all updated.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Professional Constraints

She walks past
I catch myself staring
Creepy puppy dog stare
I'll be damned if I can help myself
She pretends not to notice
Her waist sways her hips
Looks away
A corridor, a staircase, a desk -
Fortune likes to play games
Tension like dusk descends
Desire is concealed in niceties

But the inferno that rages within
Is an urge to seize her shoulders
Shake her to the brink of reality
And from her lofty cliffs of pride,
Sprayed by her stormy depths of confusion,
Expose her to my icy blast of Hatred,
Which she, rightly identifying as Desire,
wrongly characterizes as