Monday, March 25, 2013

Horror Movies in Context

I do not watch horror movies. Horror movies are a diabolical scheme by the empire to dehumanize humanity! You should be able to tell, by the time they are affronting you with the visual abomination of a psychotic masked man lopping at human beings' anatomies with a chainsaw/ axe/ blunt weapon. Right from the start, and all the way to the closing credits, they leave the audience with gut-level fear that all manner of things will go very wrong in the worst ways possible. 

Enough introduction, now we step straight into today's conspiracy. Remember the time you almost pissed your pants while beholding the cold dark supposedly seductive glare of Dracula, just before the saber-toothed guy stepped out of the 3D TV and came for your neck. Kinda reminds you of life in the twenty-first century. Life today feels like a reality horror show, except there's no director to shout "Cut" when things go elephant. 

I am actually saying that I have unearthed a scheme to have everybody subconsciously afraid most of the time. Except, as part of the conspiracy, they call it 'anxiety disorder' (not fear) and make you buy sleeping pills to salve its side effects. This evil plot reaches into every part of our lives. What does this wickedness achieve, you wonder? Scared people are highly suggestible. What if you woke up at night and your house was on fire, and somebody told you to grab a teddy bear on your way out? You see?

Do I have evidence? Evidence is for state prosecutors to worry about. Right now I'll just point out that the last time they were celebrating 'economic growth' in State House, Revenue Authority, Central Bank and everywhere else that formal narratives are given birth to, my wallet actually shrank! They also released 'inflation' figures that did nothing to return my wallet to its former capacity. Elsewhere, firms were 'downsizing' and government was 'privatizing' and everyone declared a new dawn for efficiency in service delivery. The result was Suffericom Customer Care, among other things. Sounds familiar?

The guys pulling the strings have brought us to that stage where you are lucky if you have a job. Your employer knows how lucky you are, and reminds you of the wealth of luck you enjoy, and even threatens to remove your good fortune if you grow a brain, and then who knows who'll pay back your university loan. The ranks of the unemployed swell day by day. Even those entering university this minute know this. Very soon we'll have a global highly-skilled non-work-force. Meanwhile everyone is scared, and someone is reaping major profits, and some fondly reminisce on Karl Marx.

We return briefly to the horror movies. In what sort of society does a vampire become a cult obsession? Or even a werewolf? What does it say about us as a society, that we are now taking sides between heartless creatures which suck the life-blood out of human beings and hairy naked creatures which maul the life out of human beings late at night? The short answer: a scared society whose adolescent girls are hooked on Twilight. The very fact that Twilight is NOT considered a horror movie shows just how upside-down the moral compass is.

Choose? No, thanks! (screenshot for vampires vs werewolves iPhone game from
In other news, Lord of the Rings – secretly a horror movie – is a charming apology for racism. Yes! You will look up and down for the black race in the film and you may not see them among the noble elves, brave dwarves, personable hobbits and magical heroic humans. But consider the Orcs and the Uruk-Hai, and tremble! 
"Uruk - Hai" image from
Reflect upon the underlying plot. Generally: the aforementioned (white) races were just chilling and minding their own business in their pristine lands. Suddenly, Dark Lord Sauron emerges from well-nigh-nowhere after a centuries-long silence, leading a swarthy, ignorant army of mass-produced dunderheads in the invasion of white men's countries. Sounds like a scare campaign against immigration. I haven't even mentioned the manifest black arts and devils' doctrines on displayed with such stunning visual effects in the Lord of the Rings franchise.

Of course you think I'm making too much noise for nothing, scaring myself – until you think about it. Besides, a little paranoia never hurt anyone.

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