Sunday, October 23, 2011

Liberal Gratification with Madame Anglais

The English language came to our dark lands riding upon the warships of colonial powers. Or you could say it arrived within the same suspiciously gift-wrapped package as other foreign and erstwhile unheard of 'pestilences' like smallpox and rinderpest (three cheers for the dawn of civilization!) Or you could credit missionaries with finding time to teach it to "natives" - at least when they were not demonstrating to befuddled onlookers the coital position later to be named in their honor. Whichever way, the thing is damn foreign.

I for one strongly believe that this hard fact excuses natives, and all generations of their descendants, who domesticate their English to fit their situation. Slang really is very necessary when first world talk enters third world reality. Don't mind that certain properly mentally colonized persons can't stand mongrel dialects being suffered to mate with pure-bred Queen's English, birthing bastardizations of speech which roll uncomfortably and ungrammatically off the tongue, and, to add insult to injury, colliding harmoniouslessly against them blessed eardrums - only to register nothing in the brain. Total havoc.

In my dictionary, which nobody has pretended to show any willingness to publish yet (surprise of surprises!), foolaroundability is one's natural propensity to forget one's place. For example, this venture of mine, a native proposing to fellow non-English speakers (passed TOEFL? No?) to do with English what they pretty damn well like, demonstrates my excellent grasp of foolaroundability, if I may say so myself. So employ me. Seriously.

Intelligerence: being warlike intelligently. Not, you know, like that native blogger lambasting TOEFL for the fun of it.

Joyancy: when you're so happy you're floating above it all. Seriously, how can "joy" just remain joy when we have "happiness" for happy? They say necessity is the mother of invention. You know, maybe because I'm a native, English avails scant joyancy when I consider all its rules.

If English was a lady, she'd be loose, and a multiracial herd would ever run after her exclaiming 'mama!' even as she hurried off to her next new tryst. Join the bandwagon soon, at least before I threaten to sue some publisher or other, following which my "Highly Flexible English Dictionary for Native Non-English Speakers" hits the shelves and shortly thereafter becomes required reading in all nursery schools and workplaces. Thus shall I make my fortune.

1 comment:

  1. If English was a lady, she'd be loose, and a multiracial herd would ever run after her exclaiming 'mama!' even as she hurried off to her next new tryst. Join the bandwagon soon, at least before I threaten to sue some publisher or other, following which my "Highly Flexible English Dictionary for Native Non-English Speakers" hits the shelves and shortly thereafter becomes required reading in all nursery schools and workplaces. Thus shall I make my fortune.

    As if you didn't read your own post, this was my favorite bit.

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