Intervention

Call me a conspiracy theorist. I was scheduled to meet all my friends, but because the meeting was entitled "Feelings Catchment Control Commission," all my nerves were on edge. When my friends congregate under that banner they become coarse in their handling of none of their business. I knew they were up to putting me in the hot seat all because of The Ex failure to make up with me.

"If you love something, set it free; if it doesn't come back to you, it was never meant to be." Simple fact. FCCC can play matchmaker to no avail.

So I approached Carol's, the scene of the meeting, with crossed fingers and inhibitions and reservations. I was ready and willing to snap at anyone who asked me anything about The Ex.

But my militancy was not required. They were playing Scrabble in the dining room. Tellingly, the only ones excluded from the game were The Ex and I. We were supposed to 'talk aside' on our own and resolve the issue between us, failing which the FCCC would be invited to mediate.

Alone with me, The Ex acted too superior for my liking, channel-surfing on TV during time set aside for earnest discussion. She finally settled on a Nigerian movie.

Then she turned lazily to me and went, "What?"

"Best wishes in all your endeavors." What I meant was "To hell with your diva airs your highness!"

She replied "You too" in a comparable tone.

"Great," I said, openly relieved, "I guess we're done here."

"Okay" she hissed with pleasure.

We rose to leave. But the FCCC weren't done with us; they demanded a full briefing of our final resolution. So off we trooped to Carol's family's dining table. Five faces waited with expectation.

Me: "We have forgiven each other - in fact just this morning - put the past behind us, moved on with our lives."

The Ex: "Independently."

Me: "Yes."

At this, Carol, the moderator of this particular session of the Commission, then called a battery of witnesses.

First was Sister of The Ex, who testified, swearing all the while, that The Ex had been talking about me "all day until about a week ago" and was still keeping my keepsakes.

Second 'witness' was David, who said The Ex and I had been together for "more than six years." When I added "On-off" to clarify, Carol yelled "ORDER!" at me.

Third 'witness' was Best Friend of The Ex, who said The Ex still had a "soft spot" for me, and she suspected vice-versa too. Also, she said she "caught [me] in the process of harming myself at the pool" on account of The Ex. Luckily she ceased her narration there, not going into the details of subsequent happenings between herself and I.

The "evidence" tabled before the Commission led them to prevail upon us to reunite or show cause why we could not.

"Too bad I already moved on," I insisted, mentally cooking up a girl's name. Ailis came to mind.

"Me too," said The Ex. "Greener pastures."

That pretty much ended the intervention.