First Love

One imagines, one believes, that in days past
when one couldn't live without the other,
that the love was spontaneous, unrehearsed;
honest, unschooled by hurts;
awkward, hence unfeigned; 
pure.

One remembers ideal love
(or imagined it to have been thus
before second thoughts came along):
That the terrain was uncharted,
pristine, wild, beautiful, perilous;
so that one marveled and feared,
as wonders and horrors from either's mind
took colossal strides that shook your worlds;
one held fast to one's own mutually vulnerable other,
in turn was held close in pain or pleasure;
one's collateral was one's own heart,
one held nothing back

When one meets one's first other,
one mumbles mundane weather updates;
yet one imagines, one quietly fancies,
wishfully, unjustifiably,
that one knew the other perfectly
first loved and was loved 
as none other ever will

Because when that perfect chapter ended
both devoted the rest of their lives
to protecting themselves
from losing it again
by never finding it

(Or so one dreams.)

Do or Die

When couples commit themselves to counseling, it must be a drudge at first. I can picture each of them - the man in particular - fidgety, filled with reservations, apprehensive and downright suspicious towards the counselor.All these are manifest in his guarded answers, clipped phrases, hostile staring and crossed arms.

Lastly however the blame games his wife enthusiastically initiates with the counselor gradually draw him out of his shell. Finger-pointing Olympics begin in full earnest as he strives to apportion her just share of the train-wreck at hand.

I myself are many light years away from understanding married life, but stick with me. The example illustrates how when you first make a pledge or a resolution, the first few instances of complying with it rely on sheer will power to overcome self-generated resistance.

All this beating around the bush is to explain to you dear readers how comes last month's pledge to regularly update the blog is faring badly. It still feels like the first few sessions marriage counseling. By the time it comes to that, you know you're in hot water.

The first days of blogging, when one sets out, are like the beginning of courtship - thrilling for their uncertainty and unbounded possibilities.One puts one's best foot forward, one revels in the partner's lively qualities. But the years, they come; familiar routines sear themselves into one's mind, until one is thinking three steps ahead of their partner's next move. Unconsciously.

Suddenly, one humdrum day, one wakes up with a cold sweat on one's forehead, facing mid-life crisis and existential doubt.

Is this it?

As always, there's a lot I could (should!) report to you people from the end-times front. Of course. And then time and means must be allocated to encrypt selected episodes from my personal life. It just seems I'm much busier elsewhere lately, with few results to show for it, somehow.

Enough of that. I would now like to turn the spotlight on my fellow bloggers, who have largely gone quiet. It's a deterioration of literature from my point of view, and I'm holding them (you?) responsible for this literary Dark Ages that's started afresh. Sins of omission and that kind of thing. Missing in Action. Downed tools. Deleted blogs. A writer who doesn't write does not deserve the title.

Look who's talking.

If your failure to blog can be paralleled with unwillingness to attend marital counseling, let's brainstorm.

Sleeping Watchmen

Signs of the times are passing without comment from mainstream churches. You might excuse the mainsteam media, after all, they are largely mouthpieces of the powers that be which have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. However, the church, those who ought to be preaching repentance as preparation to meet the LORD are quiet, even strangely content to mention nothing about Signs of the End.

Signs like the moon going blood red, twice already, with two more instances to occur within this year. One would expect such omens to have sparked off revivalism in the churches,  or at the very least, a quick glance at Revelation 6:12-13, which predicts just such an event, whether this could be its fulfilment. But for the most part, all we hear is studious silence from the pews broken only by overheard explanations of secular scientists and astronomers rationalizing the redness away. "Okay, nothing to see here, business as usual, as you were."

did you see? (image from therealstevegray.com)

Elsewhere in the Bible we find an explanation for this glaring oversight by our spiritual leaders:

ISAIAH 56:10-12

10 His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.

11 Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough, and they are shepherds that cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter.

12 Come ye, say they, I will fetch wine, and we will fill ourselves with strong drink; and to morrow shall be as this day, and much more abundant.

In which:

watchmen -  shepherds of the flock, spiritual leaders

blind, ignorant - clueless

dumb dogs wont bark - will not warn of danger, seeing none  ("sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber")

"fetch wine, ...fill ourselves with strong drink" -  wrong doctrine, false teachings

"tomorrow shall be as this day" -  there is no danger; eat drink, and be merry.

Experiment to simulate seriousness

I had never seen her before.

We were in church. She sang with the choir, led the congregational singing and served me chapatis generously at lunchtime. 

As service ended in the afternoon, the choir sang again, and I stared at her and wondered how long I could keep my face straight while I made a joke which she would only realize was a joke at the last minute. Could I walk away looking earnest and serious, like one who made an honest mistake, or would I burst into premature laughter midway, like a malicious crime lord with a rolling laugh that he opened his mouth wide for? Well, since the thought alone already had me laughing in bursts, the prospects weren’t good.

Still it had to be tried.

Service ended. I waited until she was alone – her friends encircled her constantly, those coming replaced those leaving in a constant stream. Popular girl, what could I do? It seemed she would never be alone, therefore I turned my attention to others, lastly lost myself in the crowd among familiar faces. At some opportune time when she was the last thing on my mind, the crowd before me parted and behold, her, standing alone at last, apparently looking for someone.

The moment had come. I zeroed in with the straightest face I could muster. 

Offered a grim handshake. “Hello.”

“Hi.”

“I know you, but you don’t know me.” Saying this revived the mental concept of my mischief and I broke into a wide smile.

“You know me?!” she repeated, in consternation, as if a new and grievous injustice had stormed against the universe by surprise. She looked perplexed. Fearful, even. I have that effect on strangers.

I geared towards the punchline. “Yeah! I even know your name.” At this point, the smile I had on, it was all I could do to not burst out laughing.

“You know my name!” she echoed.

“You are called Lupita, right?” Of course she wasn’t, but I tried to look serious, earnest, dead sure, a bit arrogantly, like one merely expecting confirmation, not correction.

She burst out laughing and walked away visibly amused.

Caps Lock

The title is an attempt at humor.

It attempts to convey that I wear so many caps that I need Caps Lock to lock them in place.

Cue polite bad-joke-laughter from the audience.

This guy got caps lock. http://www.engagedmarriage.com/communication/how-many-hats-can-we-wear

Now to the caps. I'm so many things simultaneously that people who ask me what I do are faced with much confusion and headscratching on my part as I struggle to list them in order of priority. The truth is oftentimes I neglect some of those caps, like the Blogger cap, and then when guilt overwhelms me, like now, this blog gets the occasional lazy copied piece in the name of maintenance. If I was to treat a significant other the same way, I would quickly be single again. True story. Apologies to blog readers, many of whom fell by the wayside and disappeared between the cracks in the pile of hats I claim to be wearing.

I'm one of those people who can't choose without crying for the rejected option, and that choice will be procrastinated as far as possible. Jack of all trades, master of none. They say men can't multitask, they haven't seen me refusing to let some things go so as to better focus on others. For one, I can't stop playing football, my thoughts always wander back to it. This "hand in every pie" complex is also literal: things I have no further use for hardly ever enter the bin. I could open a fully-stocked museum with the clatter that crowds my spaces.

But I speak not thus in jest. A major overhaul is in the pipeline. But first I must stock up on tissues for the bitter tears that will flow during the Purge. And the few hats that will remain (including Blogger) had better adhere to Caps Lock, or else.

No January Resolution

As has been the trend, end of last year found me attending Bible camps and congresses. A close relation commented that I am very committed to these things. Even this blog's past posts will confirm the trend of end year narratives mentioning camps in which the Bible is studied.

We learnt a lot. We always learn alot; they mostly teach us the same lots of stuff with a little variation. Still I attend every year, because, left to his own devices, a guy forgets, a guy backslides. This year the light from the Scriptures was particularly bright. Yet it was not all paradise. As always the food and accommodation was scandalous. But that's not why we were going, so let's lay that aside quickly.

Also the Ambassadors (age 16 to 20 or thereabouts) I found to be utterly insufferable. Maybe I'm the one who's growing old and grumpy. But the young ones these days are radiating too much heat and very little light. I know I was once that age but...

Okay I'm off topic. The point here is I don't want to be that guy who's always going and listening to the word of GOD and not practicing it. Let's not be those people. GOD help us.

The four winds are held back

But not for much longer...

Four mighty angels hold back the powers of this earth till the servants of God are sealed in their foreheads. The nations of the world are eager for conflict, but they are held in check by the angels. When this restraining power is removed there will come a time of trouble and anguish. Deadly instruments of warfare will be invented. Vessels with their living cargo will be entombed in the great deep. All who have not the spirit of truth will unite under the leadership of Satanic agencies, but they are to be kept under control till the time shall come for the great battle of Armageddon.—The S.D.A. Bible Commentary 7:967 (1900).

Brick Wall

Anita. I thought, if there was any perfect girl, she was the one. The One. Before her it was The Ex I upheld as the embodiment of virtuous femininity.

The Ex had a finely honed sixth sense, that much touted Womanly Intuition, that made her “just know” that I liked Anita, even though I already had her. So she got jealous and nasty about it. Lastly we broke up (that was the first time). From then on all our fights became irresolvable the minute Anita was mentioned. I refused to cut ties with a friend whose friendship preceded my teenage years. The same jealousy and suspicion was leveled at my then long-distance best friend. Ultimately I maintained my friends and eventually I lost The Ex.

Anita and I remained just friends, despite the lengthy “we’re both single now so *nudge-nudge* whadja make of it” phase.

You know the type of just friend: someone you really admire, fiercely desire and consequently spend much time around, hoping that something will develop. But the passage of time yields only talk and laughter and naughty mutual friends. Lo and behold! you get a sister, whereas you secretly sought a very different type of love.

The fact she’s spiritual only reinforces your intent to “do it right,” to avoid the kinds of seduction scenarios depicted in romance novels targeted at the female adolescent demographic. No, rather, setting your eye on the long term prize, you put your best foot forward, and lose the battle, to win the war.

One of those naughty mutual friends, Oti, opines with arrogant confidence that your approach will cost a funeral – yours. This is the twenty-first century. “She’s a woman.” Winks.

You rebuke him: “She’s not like that! She’s different.”

“Different what? Different woman! Still a woman.”

“Oti shut up Oti and go away Oti.”

He sniggers, shrugs, and immediately goes to meddle with the heads of some comparatively less attractive albeit more easily impressed girls. Let him have the low-hanging fruit. Let him let us climb the tree for the biggest ripest fruit on the highest frailest branch.

Clinging steadfastly to your own tactics, you refuse to listen to detractors who would lump your One with the common herd. Slow but sure will do it for you. The race is not to the swift etc. More talk, more hanging out, more sharing, more! More! Something’s about to start happening!

No, nothing’s going on, and you know it. She’s, like, your sister now, remember?

But something happens, say some random thing you did, that unintentionally shatters the whole idea that such a person as The One exists. For an instant a breeze separates the curtains and you catch a glimpse of backstage...

Patience

Our heavenly Father owns everything and everyone. But He loves us so much, He gives us everything. From breath of life to daily bread, from family to friends, talents, achievements, health, strength, wealth, wisdom, everything. He did not even hold back His only begotten Son.

And even then, GOD does not compel us to love Him, He leaves us free to see, to choose for ourselves.

But man sought after many devices. Not content with the provision of the Omnipotent, man lies to himself in many ways that he can supply his own needs better then the LORD can. Man, individually and collectively, aspires to the glorify himself. The pride and conceit that accompanies such unsanctified ambition is only the more tragic for the shortsightedness of it. Man behaves as if the grave has not already put paid to the vain ambitions of countless generations preceding, as if judgment does not await ahead. Much foolishness derives from a limited, dim conception of the truth, a failure to think things through to their latter end, a "live-in-the-moment" philosophy that refuses to look further down the road. 

Satan (father of lies) wants man to view sin versus righteousness as a numbers game, a kind of democratic poll whose outcome GOD must be subject to. But the truth is that wickedness will be completely eradicated from the universe.

Our GOD owns everything and everyone, even though evil appears to reign on earth. But the kingdom rightly belongs to GOD, who will give it to the saints, as it was meant to be right from the beginning, right from creation.

Patience! It is only a matter of time before Justice restores what rebellion misused.

Patience! We shall understand it all someday.

The Perfect Sacrifice

LORD, we are vile, and full of sin,
We’re born unholy and unclean;
Sprung from the man whose guilty fall
Corrupts his race, and taints us all.

Behold, we fall before Thy face;
Our only refuge is Thy grace:
No outward forms can make us clean;
The leprosy lies deep within.

Nor bleeding bird, nor bleeding beast,
Nor hyssop branch, nor earthly priest,
Nor running brook, nor flood, nor sea,
Can wash the dismal stain away.

Jesus, Thy blood, Thy blood alone,
Hath power sufficient to atone;
Thy blood can make us white as snow;
No other tide can cleanse us so.

- Isaac Watts